Episode 80 (S3): A Battle of Wits (Isaac's view)

Sorry this has been a bit late, I've got a bit behind schedule and I couldn't write it on Wednesday because we went to see the Doctor Who Symphonic Spectacular, which was a lot of fun but took up the whole day.

I liked this episode a lot - the acting was spot on, particularly Alethea's (as always). We start out with a recap of last week's cliffhanger, then Vicki and Steven search for a hidden entrance, which they find quickly. This was good - especially Steven pointing out the cliche and the accurate lack of knowledge Steven and Vicki have of their time period. The Monk, on his way to fetch medicine for Eldred, decides to check the Doctor's cell, only to find it unlocked and empty of Doctor. Peter Butterworth had excellent expressions here, and indeed throughout the episode - his look of confusion is priceless.

We return to Steven and Vicki, who are crawling along the passage. The Doctor arrives at the village and talks to a grim Edith. He learns that vikings landed, making a verbal blunder which means this time he has to let on that there is a viking invasion. In another callback to the original intention of the show, he lets on that Harold defeats Harald and is then defeated by William the Conqueror. I think that Edith's rape as handled well, though no help came from the scriptwriter - it's all in Alethea's acting, the way when talking to the Doctor at this point she is very sorrowful, bleak and closed - she makes it clear that Edith was affected by this deeply. Also, later on when the Monk calls, she is clearly wary when she comes out. The rest of these scenes were also good, with excellent acting throughout.

Steven and Vicki emerge from the tunnel and find no sign of the Doctor, Steven finally accepts time travel but the watch and the gramophone are anomalies - both probably connected to the Monk. They argue over where to look for the Doctor - the TARDIS or the monastery. In the meantime, the monk gives Eldred aspirin from his first aid box and tells Wulnoth to put his sword away, saying a monastery is a place of peace. Wulnoth does so, and leaves. The Monk asks Eldred when the viking invasion would arrive - finding he is right on schedule. Wulnoth returns, saying that Eldred must stay here but he and Edith will help. The Monk starts to protest, but does not finish because they would be suspicious. These scenes are good - the acting is done well, the small conflict is nice, and we get to know a bit more of the monk's plan.

Sven and Ulf are running in the woods, as stealthily as possible. They stop, and argue over what to do - try and complete their mission by returning to the ship through dangerous territory, or hide out until Hardrada arrives and claim they were captured. Eventually, after much discussion, they decide the latter and head to the monastery, reasoning that the monks have to give them refuge. This is a nice scene, which I have said for almost all of the scenes, and we get to see a bit more of the vikings (they play it a bit over the top, but I don't particularly mind).

The Monk gets out a scroll and hangs it up, letting us know the content is a progress chart - including position atomic cannon and light beacon fires. He ticks off 'Sight Vikings', then rolls it up and gets out a map. He uses his authentic 11th century compass to presumably measure a distance, maybe for the aforementioned beacon fires. While he is in the middle of doing this there is a knocking at the door. He goes to check it out, but there is no-one there. He goes inside and shuts the door, but someone knocks again. He quickly goes back and opens the door, this time walking quite a ways outside to look for the knocker. The Doctor approaches him from behind with a stick, pokes it in the Monk's back, and tells the Monk it is a gun. This scene is very good - it gives a bit of an idea of the Monk's plans and it has Peter Butterworth's always excellent expressions; humour - the fact that the Monk had a progress chart amused me; drama - you think that the knocking door is the Vikings, and it gets a bit tense with the Doctor's hiding after knocking.

We cut back to Steven and Vicki arriving at the clifftop, and look down to see that the tide has come in! Vicki laments the fact that of the two possibilities that she can see, both of them mean they are trapped there. Steven suggests going to the monastery to either find the Doctor or see what is going on with the Monk and his modern equipment. Before he can persuade Vicki to do it however, he spots in the bushes a very futuristic gun - presumably the atomic cannon - which spurs them into action. This scene is a good, and we see quite a sad Vicki, which been quite rare before this story.

The Doctor realises that the Monk had been leading him in circles around the monastery, but while he is talking the Monk discovers his stick trick - but this doesn't change much as it is still quite dangerous. There is a knocking at the door, which the monk explains he has to answer. The Doctor, still mistrustful, orders him to get him a Monk's habit. There is a jump to the Doctor, wearing a robe, and the Monk walking through the entrance hall and tentatively opening the door, stick still in hand. Unfortunately the Vikings come and capture the Doctor, and put him in a cell. Sven orders Ulf to find the other monks, who will hide them or the Doctor dies. There is a jump to Ulf resting near the Monk's stone cupboard. The Monk then comes out of hiding and knocks him out. This scene was good, with lots of drama - the drama we've had before was in short bursts, so it's nice to have a long run.

Steven and Vicki look for the secret passage, but apparently the area looks very different in daylight. They eventually find it. In the meantime, Sven decides to check on the Doctor but he is not in his cell! The secret passage door is wide open, but as he looks down it the Doctor emerges from behind the door and knocks him out. These scenes are well done, moving most of the characters to the monastery and showing more of the Doctors cleverness with this ploy.

While this was happening, the Monk goes down to the village and asks Wulnoth to get the villagers to prepare beacon fires on the cliffs, claiming that 'building materials' were coming on a ship so that he could repair the monastery. After the Monk leaves, Wulnoth asks Edith what the Doctor said about an invasion. This scene is nice, showing more of the Monk's plan coming into play, but also the fact that the villagers are not as gullible as the Monk thinks.

Steven and Vicki emerge the other end of the passage, and are alarmed by Sven's unconscious body. They don't stop to contemplate it though, because they don't have the time to. We jump back to the Monk, who speaks to Ulf, saying he has made beacons for his fellow Vikings. Little does he know, the Doctor is listening and places a sword at his throat, ordering him to explain his plan. While this is happening, Steven and Vicki find a cable which runs into the Monk's stone cupboard, and they enter it to find that the Monk has a TARDIS. These short scenes were good, moving the story along well - Vicki and Steven finally get to the monastery, the Doctor finally has a hold over the Monk that's substantial, and Steven and Vicki uncover that the Monk has a TARDIS like the Doctor's...

Next Time:
Guess.

Episode 79 (S2): The Meddling Monk (May's view)

The opening scene of this episode would be quite unremarkable if it wasn't set in Saxon times. The Monk is using a toaster to make crumpets, he burns his hand and then smacks the toaster (oh Monk, you have no idea how many times I've wanted to do that!). It's just a small thing, but Peter Butterworth plays the comedy very well. He hums a little tune to himself as he makes breakfast, which is a good acting choice on Butterworth's part I think, it distracts us from the fact that the Monk is actually the antagonist of this serial. We think, "aw, he seems like a nice guy, doesn't he?". He makes a pretty good breakfast by the looks of it as well, like dad said, I'd stay at Hotel Monk! The Doctor throwing tea on him is a wonderful comedic moment as well.

Vicki and Steven's breakfast is a lot simpler than the Doctor's. In this scene I particularly like Purves' delivery of the line "Would you like some blackberries, or... some blackberries?" It really shows how Vicki and Steven's friendship is developing. Also, *cough* Peter Purves was very attractive *cough*.

The Monk and Edith's interaction is great. We get to see more of what a nice person Edith is!

The set for this serial as just amazing. If I didn't know it was studio filmed, I'd swear it was filmed on location. The projected sky, realistic rocks and plants, plus a clever use of stock footage provides a really immersive set. The Monk spotting the Viking longship and getting excited makes you want to know what his plan is.

I like how Edith is the voice of reason in this next scene. There's a definite gender divide in views. Edith and Vicki are amiable towards each other; Steven is hostile towards the male Saxons, and they are hostile back, particularly Eldred. I like Steven's hostility actually, it's another reminder of how he was affected by his time with the Mechanoids, but I also like Vicki correcting him, it shows how she's helping him recover.

The Vikings are here! The first thing I notice is some fab work from the costume department, I mean, completely historically inaccurate, but very striking. Also, is it me, or does Sven look like Asterix?

Once again, we see Steven's social ineptitude when he's talking to the Monk, I don't think I have to reiterate why I think this is good. As the others have said, Steven's arrogance is shown by his confidence in his own plan, and Vicki's intelligence is shown by her questioning of it.

Edith is shown to be resourceful. She knows to defend herself, and she doesn't hesitate in it. She is overpowered, but I don't think that this means she's weak, she was up against three Viking warriors! Her heavily implied rape is an interesting plot point, definitely not one I would have expected from Hartnell's era of Who! Rape is a very sensitive topic to handle, and it has to be done well for it not to fall into sexist tropes or 'torture porn'. However, it can't be ignored, as it's a horrific thing that happens to many women (and men). Nowadays, I think rape is used too much on television, just as a way to inject horror into the show, and it's often not handled well; however, in the '60s, it was a different case, not talked about much on TV or in day-to-day life. As for how Doctor Who handled the rape of Edith, I'll talk about that more in the next episode, because I really need to look at how the aftermath of it is portrayed to formulate a proper opinion.

The episode is rather let down by the horrifically choreographed fight scene. Oh, dear Lord, it's so awful. We've just had this really important, serious scene, and it's followed by this atrocity! I could cry.

Steven and Vicki going different ways in the monastery is a return to the comedic nature of the episode, which is nice (I like that it's the direction Vicki chooses that they go in!). I like the parallel to the end of the last episode, with Vicki and Steven finding the gramophone as well. The cliffhanger is kind of meh, but good enough that I wanted to find out what happens next.

Next Time:
A Battle of Wits.

Episode 79 (S2): The Meddling Monk (Isaac's view)

(Isaac got just a little bit carried away with this one. Make yourself a cup of tea, sit back and relax...)

A good episode with good acting in general - I think Peter Russell hammed it up a bit too much, and the fight scene was cringe-worthy, but overall a nice episode. Maureen played Vicki well, especially when Vicki was unsettled at the start and when she showed off Vicki's ingenuity later on. William's voice acting was good from what little there was of it, and Alethea was brilliant in absolutely all of her scenes.

The first scene was a bit surprising, with a big change of tone from the end of last episode, but worked well in getting me engaged. I liked the relaxed nature of this scene, and I expect the first time someone watched it that was necessary for them to get their head round it, but it was also a nice bit of calm before the tenser later parts of the episode. The Meddling Monk also seems to make a first class breakfast (the Doctor's so ungrateful) and we get to find out a bit more about his character from what the Monk would consider quite normal stuff (again, well done Peter Butterworth).

We move on to see Vicki wake up a little worried from noises in the bushes. She warily goes to check it out, tension tenses, and... it's Steven. A release of tension follows, but lo! There are Saxons in the bushes! They ambush the travellers, and take them to their village. This is a cliche that is used quite a lot in television, and that does stick out a little bit, but I like this scene anyway - we see a more relaxed Steven, and a bit of dramatics is always nice.

We jump back to the Monk's renditioning his new poem "My Child" to Edith and co., who had politely brought him food. After the visitors have been ushered away, The Monk uses his authentic Saxon binoculars to spy a Viking longship, but he is happy for a reason unknown to us. This was a good scene, which I appear to be saying quite often in this serial, with a show of how the Monk tries to fit in and a sense of mystery around The Monk creeping back; Peter Butterworth's acting and humour make me look forward to each scene with him in.

We go and see what Steven and Vicki have been up to. There is an argument between Wulnoth and Eldred over whether they let our heroes go or not. Then Edith intervenes on the companions' side, and the thing is settled, with Steven and Vicki setting off for the Monk's abode and the others going back to their hnefatafl or whatever they were doing. Peter Russell, as I said at the start, did a bit of a hammy performance, but it is made up for by everyone else's acting. This scene is another good one that moves the story along, has some nice dialogue, and has a bit more of Michael Miller's character - unfortunately, we don't get to see an awful lot of him, and I think he's quite a good actor.

Changing viewpoints, we see the Vikings arriving on the beach. The leader of their expedition orders his his men about their duties, sending three to loot the nearby village for supplies. The leader proceeds to disappear for the rest of the story. This scene is short, there isn't much stuff to comment on, but I'll comment just the same. I think that Geoffrey Cheshire had a good commanding tone and aura about him, and the costumes looked a bit realistic, if not authentic.

We jump back to our lovely Steven and Vicki, who come knocking on our mystery Monk's door. He answers it, using his usual 'I'm being super religious' excuse, answering the pairs enquiries without a moment's thought, until he is caught off guard by Steven asking about other monks (doesn't Steven know it's perfectly usual to have a one monk abbey?). Steven is suspicious, and devises a plan to uncover the Monk while the monk is 'asking the others'. He enacts it, but lo! The Monk had heard his plan, and plays along so he can set a devious trap for our friends. The Monk goes back into his abbey, then Steven and Vicki discuss it. Vicki has ingenuity enough to see through the Monk, and informs Steven on how he's been fooled, but they decide to infiltrate the place anyway. I really like this scene. It shows a bit of the Monk's cunning side, with some more of Steven's forward manner; Vicki shows off her cleverness; and it's all coupled with great acting - particularly on O'Brien's part - and fantastic dialogue. 'Nuff said.

There is, as John put it, an elephant in the room. Some would address it now, but I'm going to put it off for a paragraph later because I want to talk about the matter a bit more completely. Edith hears some rustling in the bushes, and picks up a spear. The three Vikings spring from the bushes, overpower Edith, and drag her into the hut. This scene is a bit of the dramatics, and has the cliched 'something in the bushes', but it's pulled off well, so that doesn't matter. Edith picking up the spear is quite realistic - people would have to know how to defend themselves back then, especially near the coast.

Steven and Vicki decide that this side that they're looking at isn't the best one.

Now we come to the paragraph where I address that elephant. Wulnoth and Eldred return to the village, to find Edith lying still on the ground, alive, but it is heavily implied that she was raped. Eldred starts to argue to Wulnoth that it was the travellers, but Wulnoth bursts into tears, silencing him. After a while, he orders Eldred to gather the villagers, anger clearly present. This scene is very grim, darkening the tone considerably. The reactions of Wulnoth seemed accurate, and there was a lot of emotion in his speech and expressions. Peter Russell didn't do the best job on this scene - after Eldred's initial shock, it didn't seem like he felt anything other than anger - but the rest of the acting was fantastic. It will be hard to judge whether the rape was handled well until I see anything other than the initial reaction, so I'll write a paragraph about it at the start of next episode's review.

We see the Vikings blunder along the path with their loot in hand, and not being too quiet about it. We go back to the hut, where Edith is still incapacitated, with Wulnoth and some villagers caring to her, trying to find out who did it. Edith eventually manages to say Vikings. This scene is quite good because it shows how bad it must have been for Edith - it was such good acting, that it seemed almost real.

Now we come to a scene that completely offsets the tone that was built up over the last few scenes. The fight scene. It is so badly choreographed, that it is actually quite funny - the way they sort of stand around, not knowing quite what to do - one falls over then stabs someone in the foot. The mood is lightened by this slapstick, which is sort of welcome - it is a family show, all in all.

The Monk walks past an opening, then Steven and Vicki jump in. They both go opposite ways, and both say follow me at the same time. Steven ends up following Vicki. This is a short scene but quite nice - it adds a bit of humour, something that has been a bit lacking this episode after the first scene.

The Monk sets his gramophone, checks his trap, then waits for our travellers. Wulnoth drags Eldred up the path to the monastery. This scene is good, with some nice expressions by Peter Butterworth. Peter Russell does a surprisingly good injured person.

We see our travellers going along a passage, but unknown to them the Monk watches from his hiding spot. Then our nice Monk is called by the door. I liked this scene, mostly because of the expression on the Monk's face.

Our friends find the gramophone, but do not share the Doctor's fate, because the Monk has to answer the door. They search for a bit, and find the Doctor's holding cell. Steven starts to pick the lock on the door. This scene was quite good - O'Brien and Purves did a good expression of surprise when they found the gramophone.

The Monk answers the door, just as Wulnoth starts trying to batter it down - he invites them in, and is left standing outside by the Saxons. Vicki and Steven get into the Doctor's cell, but lo! when they take off the sheets, he is not there! This scene was nice - the humour with the Monk was good, and there was quite a cliched cliffhanger at the end, but that didn't particularly bother me.

Next Time:
May's review of The Meddling Monk.

Episode 78 (S1): The Watcher (May's view)

(And eventually, May also decided to do episode reviews! Over to her.)

I have to say I'm slightly daunted by writing this. I feel like I've got a lot to live up to. Particularly with this story actually, considering the monster review that my father has written. Really dad! You could have left at least a few points for your poor children to cover! Most of this will therefore be repeats of what dad's already said, just from the perspective of a fifteen-year-old girl.

Well, let's start at the beginning, with the very first scene. There's some good acting from Maureen O'Brien and William Hartnell. I feel like they got the grandfather/granddaughter dynamic really well (even though Vicki is not Susan, she's slotted into the hole she left quite neatly). There was also a definite air of suppressed sadness from both of them (particularly Vicki, she seemed like she was putting on a brave face for the Doctor), which seemed realistic, given Ian and Barbara's departure.

Then, of course, there's Steven's entrance. Which I think is marvellous. This scene just feels so Hartnell era, Vicki's cry of "oh, do be careful Doctor! It's obviously a dalek!", and their choice of weapons (shoe and coat). It's hard to put it into words, but it just seems like it belongs in that era of Who, and it wouldn't fit anywhere else.

In the next scene, Peter Purves' acting is really very good, he has the right balance of seriousness and comedy that is required for Doctor Who - I especially liked the bit where he calls the Doctor 'Doctor' for the first time (or, as he actually said it, 'Doc...tor!'). And, of course, there's the Doctor's 'chair with a panda on it' speech. Steven and Vicki's little conflab about acronyms is also golden!

The monk is instantly presented as someone we need to watch out for. He observes the TARDIS from the cliff without batting an eyelid, and he does not seem at all unsettled when he listens to the Doctor explaining about the TARDIS. When I first watched this episode, I remember thinking "this guy's not a monk!".

Skipping ahead a bit because, while I adored the scene on the beach, this piece of writing is going be bloody long even if I do cut ruthlessly. The Doctor's first scene with Edith is really quite sweet. Edith is such a kindly character, just a genuinely nice person! Plus, there's the Doctor giving an aside about history, which was the shows purpose, to educate the young viewers. A couple of times Hartnell slips up on his lines, which is quite sad to see.

It's very clear that Steven has kind of forgotten how to interact with people. His first interaction with a Saxon is a very clear contrast to the Doctor's, all the more so when the scenes are placed next to each other. Although the fight was crappily choreographed, it does give us a bit of an insight into how Steven has been affected by his time with the Mechanoids.

In the final scene, all the modern stuff scattered through the episode is made clear by the reveal of the gramophone. The monk is not what he seems! And he has captured the Doctor! Dun, dun, DUH!

Next Time:
The Meddling Monk.

Episode 78 (S1): The Watcher (Isaac's view)

(Isaac got quite enthusiastic reviewing this story, and ended up covering each episode separately. Since this happened after I'd already posted a couple, I decided to save them all for the end and do a quick run through, in order to keep the momentum up. Over to him!)

A very good episode, with wonderful acting - the only character where in my opinion the acting wasn't great was the Saxon hunter in the woods. The Doctor's moment of sadness at the start was very convincing. The humour in the episode was done well - I especially like the Doctor's funny moments with Steven (I've often quoted his 'space helmet for a cow' bit these last few days). Maureen O'Brien did a good job of the sad aspect at the start, and did well at portraying Vicki's realisation when she is explaining to Steven about the TARDIS that she is the new most senior TARDIS crew member (excluding the Doctor, of course). Steven is very forward (well, you would be after being kept prisoner by the Mechanoids for a while) and his disbelief is portrayed by Peter Purves very well.

The aura of mystery around the Meddling Monk is done well, with the viewer just seeing his body language and facial expressions (well done Peter Butterworth! He got a lot of information in those!). The Doctor's little walk takes us to meet Edith, a nice character who seems quite real. She gives the doctor something to drink, and he verbally blunders around until he finds the date and informs the viewer on a bit of history (a nod to the shows original intention). This scene was quite nice, with good acting on both William and Alethea's part, which would not worked well in another era of the show but fits nicely in this serial.

Jumping back to Vicki and Steven we come across an exhausted Vicki - it's quite nice because it shows the fact that younger people aren't just downsized adults (something which happens quite a bit in fiction). Then the Saxon hunter came along, and as a result we have a badly done fight scene - where all they seem to be doing is rolling around with their hands locked together. That bit is my least favourite part of the episode, but we did have a nice bit of more Steven stuff, which is needed a little since this is his first story as a companion.

Finally we have a smug Doctor being trapped, which adds a bit more drama in the episode, which is nice at the end of an episode mostly composed of humour and scene setting.

Next Time:
May's review of The Watcher!

Santa's Sweatshop

[Well, my children aren't quite ready, so here's an unseasonal short story to tide you over until Monday. Enjoy!]

Santa’s Sweatshop

An adventure of the sixth Doctor, Peri and Frobisher


1. Bleak Midwinter

Three pairs of eyes watch the time rotor as it judders to a halt. The console room falls silent for a moment, save for the hum of a TARDIS at rest; then that, too, dies, and the lights go dim. The only human present looks up at the Doctor.

“So that’s it, then?”

“Yes, Peri. That’s it. The TARDIS is . . . beached. Washed up on the shores of the material universe, unable to navigate the manifold whorls and eddies of the time stream.”

“Dead in the water, you mean.”

“Hardly ‘in the water’, but essentially, yes.”

“There’s gotta be something you can do!”

The Doctor turns on her. “Do? DO?! My dear Miss Brown, if there was anything to be done, don’t you think I’d be doing it already? It took vast amounts of skill and more than a modicum of ingenuity just to bring us safely out of the Vortex! Without an immense source of power - something I can assure you we shall not be finding on an uninhabited snowball like Cryonaxus IV - she’s not going anywhere. And neither are we.”

Peri can tell from the slight quiver in the Doctor’s voice that much of his anger is down to frustration and despair. She has become used to his moods by now; her skin has grown thicker over the time she’s been travelling with him. She reflects that recently he seems to be mellowing a little, too.

The third member of the ensemble waves a flipper at the monitor. “Er, Doc? I think you’d better take a look at this.”

“What is it, Frobisher?”, asks the Doctor, striding over to stand beside the shapeshifter.

“You know what you said about this planet being uninhabited? You might like to reconsider that position.”

On the screen, about half a mile away, the roofs of a small village are visible nestling behind a ridge, smoke rising from the chimneys.

* * *

Gusts of wind blow flurries of snow into the faces of the travellers as two humanoids trudge slowly across the barren landscape, lifting their legs high with each step, while one penguin-shaped Whifferdill waddles confidently ahead over the tops of the drifts. Peri pulls her coat more tightly around her.

“At least Frobisher seems to be enjoying himself. Doctor, you know what would be really great? Landing somewhere warm for once. A tropical beach, maybe, with pina coladas and the sound of waves lapping on the shore. Not more blizzards and ice.”

“Nonsense! There’s nothing better for your circulation than a bracing stroll in the cold. Can’t you just feel the blood pumping through you?”

“Hardly; I can barely feel anything at all. I think my toes have gone numb.” She raises her feet, one at a time, and shakes them for emphasis.

“Purely psychosomatic, I assure you. That envirosuit is rated for much lower temperatures than we’ll find here. This can’t be more than oh, minus 35 degrees Celsius?”

“I guess. It sure feels cold to me, though. OW!”

The Doctor rushes forward, looking concerned, as Peri lifts her foot and rubs it. “What’s wrong?”

“Stubbed my toe on something. It feels like . . . oh.”

“Peri?”

“Doctor, it’s a body! Buried in the snow. Oh my God, I think it’s a child!”

“Let me see.”

The two of them dig with their hands, uncovering more of the frozen corpse.

“Not a child, Peri. A fully mature alien, about four feet high. Basically human in appearance, with pointed ears . . .”

“. . . Dressed in red and green with white fur trimming and a pointed hat with a bobble on the end? Is this some kind of joke?”

“A joke in very poor taste. Look at this.” He lifts a broken length of chain, attached to a manacle fastened around the corpse‘s ankle.

Frobisher’s voice drifts across the snow as he waddles back to see what’s happening. “Doc? Peri?”

The Doctor raises his head. “Look at this, Frobisher. We appear to have encountered trouble.”

“Nature of the business, Doc; let’s have a look-see. Jeez, what happened to the elf?”

“Hard to say - he appears to have been dead for some time before Peri stumbled across him.”

“Do you think it could have been elf-inflicted?” Frobisher sees the others’ expressions, and raises both flippers placatingly. “Sorry, sorry, bad taste. Anyways, I was just coming to tell ya. I’ve found a sign. Literally.”

* * *

A red and white candy-striped pole sticks out of the snow, canted slightly off-vertical and protruding almost five feet. At the top, four arrows point away at ninety-degree intervals; each reads, simply, ‘South’.

“Well, that’s useful,” mutters Peri, sarcastically.

“As a matter of fact, it could be,” contradicts the Doctor. “There is only one place on any world where such a sign could be placed: the North Pole. That is the only point where every direction is South.”

“Okay, clever clogs, and how close to the pole did we land?”

He looks flustered. “Well, I was concentrating on stopping us crashing at the time. And anyway, the readings weren’t entirely reliable after that. I admit it does seem like quite a coincidence, though.”

“Have you considered the possibility that it’s here for some other reason? Like, I dunno, decoration or something?”

The Doctor sighs, theatrically. “And why would they do that? It’s a sign, Peri. Signs are for providing guidance.”

“In which case wouldn’t it be better if it told you what was in each direction? You know, Lapland, 40 miles, that sort of thing?”

Frobisher coughs. “Much as I hate to interrupt your little tete-a-tete,” he whispers, “but we seem to have attracted an audience.”

The Doctor and Peri look around. Beyond Frobisher they see a reindeer-drawn sleigh carrying a huge sack; a fat, bearded man dressed in red (again with white fur trim) stands by the front, pointing an elaborate raygun at them.

“Well now,” says the Doctor, “this is just ridiculous!”


2. Little Helpers

6:43AM, two days later. Something tickles Peri’s nose, and she wakes. For just a moment she cannot remember where she is; then it comes back to her, and she merely wishes she could not. She opens one eye, then the other, focusing on the offending object twitching in front of her.

The furry bobble of her work hat.

“Alfrith, what are you doing?”

The little alien who has been her labouring partner for the last two days flinches, drops the hat, and looks worried. “I am sorry, friend Peri. It is late, and I thought it would be a gentle way to rouse you. I did not mean to cause you distress.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“But you would not have done so if I had not upset you.”

“Listen, don’t worry about it - I’m often grouchy in the morning anyway.” Peri sighs and sits up, putting on a forced cheerful expression. “So, what’s for breakfast today? Eggs over easy? Waffles?”

“I do not understand. It is what we are always given.”

“Forget it, I was just trying to lighten the mood. Pass me my share of the mince pies and a glass of brandy, will ya?”

They eat in silence for a while, but before they have finished the work bell rings, a gentle but insistent jingling. “Ah well,” says Peri, “this diet isn’t doing much for my figure anywho. Let’s get over to the factory.”

They join the back of the line leaving the quaint wooden chalet that acts as dormitory for a dozen workers, but as the partners in adversity step through the door a huge figure blocks their path. “Not so fast, you two,” says Santa, in his deep, warm voice. “You are not going on the production line today. You, Perpugilliam Brown, have been naughty. You are a disruptive influence, reducing the efficiency of my elves, so I am putting you on . . . other duties. Alfrith can explain - can’t you, Alfrith?”

The elf hangs her head. “The reindeer?”

“The reindeer.”

* * *

The Doctor has been up for quite some time already, bustling about the laboratory in which he has been put to work, when the creak of the wooden door alerts him to the arrival of company. He decides to act cheerful, summoning a broad smile before turning to greet his captor.

“Ah, Santa, come in, come in!”

“Good morning, Doctor. I trust the facilities are to your liking?”

“Oh indeed they are, sir, indeed they are. I have never seen a laboratory so impeccably equipped with all things . . . Christmassy. I particularly like what you’ve done with the tinsel.”

“You do, do you? Ho, well, I’m pleased to hear it. In that case you’ll be able to come up the new toy designs you promised me soon?”

“With all due alacrity, I assure you. There’s just one thing, though.” The Doctor pauses, dramatically.

“Yes?”

“I could do with an assistant. Perhaps I might requisition the services of my colleague, Miss Brown?”

Santa laughs, a huge, booming laugh that fills the room. “Ho ho ho, nice try. No, not her. But I will send you one of my more trustworthy elves.” He turns to go, then pauses. “Oh, and one last thing. We still haven’t found any trace of the black and white creature you were first seen with. What was that animal, Doctor?”

The Doctor blinks. “How the devil should I know? I’m not a native of this planet! It just wandered up while we were examining the signpost.”

“So you say. Well, good day to you, Doctor. I will expect a progress report this afternoon.”

“Of course.” The Doctor waits until Santa locks the door and his footsteps fade into the distance before letting his smile fade. “Frobisher,” he mutters, “where are you?”

* * *

Frobisher’s Journal, Day Three of the Case of the Polar Perfidy.

I’ve been in this business a long time. Too long, some might say, but I never do - or at least, only when I’m out of mazumas with the Bourbon running dry. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned on the mean streets of life, it’s that there’s always a Fat Man at the bottom of every story.

This was a nasty affair. I never did like slavery; I believe in an honest day’s pay. Heck, I’ll even do an honest day’s work for it if someone forces my hand. No poor slob should be made to work for nothing, and when the chips are down, when it’s time to stick it to the Fat Man, I’m willing to stand up and be counted.

Of course, being counted isn’t my first choice plan of action.

Aah, I hate cases that begin with the dame being kidnapped. I guess it’s time I told the Doc what my investigations have revealed about Santa . . .

* * *

Peri stares in astonishment at the huge trough in front of her. “Where are all these vegetables coming from? You’ve got carrots in all colours - even rutabagas! These are Earth species; they are winter crops, but even so I can’t believe they’d grow in this climate.”

Alfrith shrugs. “It is not important. All that matters is that we must feed the reindeer, or we will be punished. Here, help me fill the wheelbarrow, that we can carry the food for the whole team.”

“Okey-dokey, you know best.”

Together they fill the barrow and wheel it across to the stables. The chain connecting Peri’s left ankle to Alfrith’s right catches and jerks twice on the way.

“Darn it!” shouts the Earth girl on the second occasion, sitting to rub her foot. “Oh, if I get the chance I am so going to give Santa what for!”

“Please, you mustn’t talk like that. It will only earn us more punishment.”

Peri studies her companion for a moment. “You know, Santa’s got a cushy little number here. He’s got you all so frightened you don’t dare stand up to him, so he gets to stomp around acting pompous while you do all the work. You just can’t see that even if he does have a gun, he couldn’t take you all on if you stood together.”

“Shhh! They say the walls have ears.”

“What the walls have is knotholes! Seriously, everything seems to made out of wood here. Anyway, the Doctor has been fighting bullies and tyrants like your boss for hundreds of years - and I’ve helped out against a few myself. Just be ready when he makes his move: things are gonna change around here, don’t you worry.”

“I am only worried about completing my tasks. Please?”

“Oh, okay. But remember what I said, yeah?”

“If it will make you move again, I will!”

Peri accedes, and they finish bringing the vegetables to the stables. Alfrith shows Peri how to feed each reindeer - not such an unpleasant task - and then they take a mince pie break.

“So, Alfrith, what now?”

“Now we go around the back and clean out the stalls.”

“Oh, great.” Peri rolls her eyes. “And I thought the day couldn’t get any better.”

* * *

The Doctor is concentrating on toy design when the door creaks open again. He swivels on his stool as an elf enters.

“Hello,” says the Doctor in a welcoming, friendly voice, “you must be my new assistant, yes?”

The elf nods, warily, unsmiling. “I am Condell. Santa says I am to work with you.” He places a satchel on a table and pulls out a roll of woodworking equipment: chisels, lathes, awls, and tools even the Doctor doesn’t recognise. As he does so, two roll out of the bag and drop to the floor. Condell sighs, and starts bending to retrieve them; but the Doctor gets there first.

“Let me do that,” he says, and sweeps them up in one hand. He puts one back in its slot in the tool roll, then stares at the other.

“Tell me, Condell, you wouldn’t happen to have brought an alicanting plane, would you?”

The elf looks troubled. “I . . . I am not sure. What is an alcant - um, an, an . . .”

“An alicanting plane? You don’t know what an alicanting plane is? I’m shocked. Flabbergasted. You, a trusted lieutenant to your lord and master? So trusted, in fact, that you are not chained to a companion like your fellows, nor are you confined to one building like myself? You disappoint me, Condell. You disappoint me deeply. How can I be expected to construct prototypes without an alicanting plane?”

“Well, I, uh, . . .”

“That was a rhetorical question. No, there’s only one thing for it. You will have to go back to your master and get him to provide you with one.”

The elf looks worried. “You want me to go? Now?”

“Well, I can hardly do it myself, can I? I’m not allowed outside. Don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t be too cross with you. It’s not your fault you’ve received inadequate training, and he’s a reasonable being, yes?”

“Uh . . .”

“Hurry along, there’s a good chap. Meanwhile, I’ll make do with the tools you have brought me.”

Condell nods, and scurries out the door. The Doctor stares at the spare awl in his hand - the one with no matching slot in the tool roll.

“Well, Frobisher, may I compliment you on an excellent disguise?”

On the table beside him the satchel sprouts a familiar-looking beak. “Thanks, Doc. Now, quit messin’ about with that thing and pay attention: we’ve got big trouble.”

* * *

Peri enters the rear of the first stall. The floor is spotlessly clean, except for more root vegetables scattered about.

“Alfrith, we’re in luck! Looks like the stable’s been cleaned already.”

“No, look at all the reindeer food - we need to gather it up.”

“Well, sure; looks like he must have kicked his trough over. But I thought I was gonna spend the morning scooping poop. This is muuuch better.”

As if on queue, the reindeer - Dasher - lifts his tail. “Spoke too soon,” groans Peri; but out pop two turnips and a purple carrot, undigested and unbroken. Peri recognises the carrot as one she has just fed to the beast.

“What the-?”

“Come, Peri. We must get the fodder back to the store, ready for their evening meal. Help me put it all back in the barrow.”

For a moment the Earth girl just stares. “Somebody pinch me; now would be a really good time to wake up.”

* * *

“What do you mean, there’s more than one Santa?!”

Frobisher, now back in his preferred form, scratches his beak. “Just what I say, Doc. There’s around eight or nine of them, all identical. I reckon they could be robots.”

The Doctor shakes his head. “I don’t think so - one of them grabbed my arm when we were first captured, and he felt quite organic. Anyway, robot Santas? That would just be too ludicrous. No, there’s something more going on here, something I’m not quite seeing. What do they do with all the toys the elves make?”

“Bag ’em up and ship them out on sleighs, like the one that caught you guys. I tagged along, once; there’s a massive stockpile a coupla miles to the South. Three, mebbe four weeks’ worth. Oh, and the workers aren’t elves: they’re Tregladorians. I overheard some of them talking about the good old days, before they were captured.”

“Tregladorians; I should have realised that from their general morphology. Did you hear anything about the identity of their abductors?”

“Sorry, Doc - no joy. Seems they were a bunch of freelance slavers who sold the little guys to the fat men.”

“Something still doesn’t add up here. If I could just figure out the point of the exercise! Why all this, this theatre? What do the Santas gain from it all? Still, I know one thing: I’m not going to let it continue. And on that front, at least, I have a plan. Listen carefully . . .”

The Doctor is about to continue, but hears footsteps outside the door. “Quickly, Frobisher,” he whispers urgently, “hide yourself. I’ll explain-”

“-later, yeah, yeah, I know the drill.” And then the Whifferdill is just a satchel again.

A Santa enters, Condell at his heel. “Well, Doctor, what’s this I hear about you needing more equipment?”

The Doctor looks up, as if surprised. “Hm? Oh, sorry, I found the tool I needed. Can’t think how I could have missed it! Mea culpa.”

Condell looks daggers at him, but Santa remains red-cheeked and jovial. “Ho, ho, ho. Well, none of us are perfect, are we? So, do you have any progress to report?”

“As a matter of fact, I have. Tell me, do all your toys need to be wooden?”

Santa looks surprised. “Of course! It’s traditional.”

“Ah yes, tradition. I see. And where did this tradition originate? Earth?”

“Oh, absolutely. It is all in the broadcasts.”

“The broadcasts? Tell me more . . .”

* * *

“Peri, you ask so many questions!” Alfrith is visibly upset. “Feeding the reindeer is just what we have to do.”

“Yeah, but they’re not real! I mean, look at this.” She waves a box she has found on a shelf. “Replacement bulbs for Rudolph’s nose! Can you think of anything more pointless than this charade?”

“But don’t you see, Peri? The point is to keep Santa happy. My children - my children are safe at home, but only so long as Santa is pleased with our work. If we do not do as we are told, we will be eliminated and the slavers will be sent to collect replacements. We cannot know who they will pick - strangers, friends, loved ones - So we work to protect them all.”

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It is fine.”

“No it isn’t! The only difference this makes is that when we fight back, we gotta be really sure we can win. So as we work, I want you to tell me everything you can about Santa, anything to help figure out what his game is, any times his routine changes. Because I’m on a mission. I’m gonna save us, and your children too.”

* * *

“Remarkable,” says the Doctor. “You’ve managed to recreate Earth’s television broadcasts from the weak signals that made it all the way out here, hundreds of light years from their point of origin. From your description I think you’ve decoded them as late as the 1970s. Maybe that’s for the best - everyone knows it all went downhill in the ’80s.” He coughs. “Anyway, it doesn’t explain this rigmarole. Why bother with this kitschy parody?”

“For marketing purposes, Doctor. Thanks to the broadcasts a traditional Earth Christmas is big in this part of the galaxy right now, and everyone wants to know that the goods they are buying were made traditionally.”

“With traditional slave labour?”

“Tut tut, Doctor. You convinced me that you have knowledge I might find useful - I am only sharing this information with you so that you won’t come up with anything . . . inappropriate.”

“Of course. My apologies. My principal point was that, with the broadcasts stopping when they did, you are missing out on a vast spectrum of toys that were just around the corner.”

Santa sighs. “I know what you are thinking, and nobody wants cheap plastic tat, Doctor. Wood it is.”

“But you incorporate some materials other than wood, such as metal axles on some of the vehicles?”

“Where needed.”

“So what about electronics?”

“We have seen electronic toys advertised. They are, without exception, noisy and tasteless.”

“Ah, but they were the early versions. With my knowledge of later times, I can design authentic toys that are far more appropriate for your discerning customers.”

Santa pauses for a moment, considering. “Very well, Doctor. But Condell, here, will be watching you closely; and if you attempt to build a weapon, you will regret it. Good day.”

* * *

11:23PM, that night. In the dormitory where Peri is sleeping, odd colours reflect off the tinsel and baubles from the swaying strings of lights outside, where they are hung between the buildings. A tiny figure makes his way across the floor: a mouse. It creeps up to Peri’s ear.

“Psst”, it whispers.

Peri stirs. “Wha’s up? Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Frobisher.”

“Frobisher!”

“Shh! Do you want everyone to know you talk to mice?”

“Sorry.” Peri lowers her voice again. They wait for a moment as Alfrith stirs, but she doesn’t wake.

“It’s good to see you, Frobisher. What’s going on? Is the Doctor okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, the Doc’s just dandy, kid.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Hey, when you’re on a case, you gotta speak the lingo, right? The clients expect it.”

She stifles a laugh. “You sound ridiculous!”

“So maybe it still needs a bit of work. Gimme a break, here! Anyway, I ain’t got long. The Doc’s got a plan, but it ain’t exactly watertight. Have you found out anything about the Santas?”

“The Santas? There’s more than one of him? Well, apparently he - they - head off out of the village once a month. I figure that’s gotta be when the sacks of toys get collected. While they’re away all the slaves are locked in their dormitories with the windows shuttered. And here’s the kicker: it’s due to happen again in just over a week.”

“Great sleuthing, sister! That’ll be the time to make our move, then.”

“That’s what I thought. Only, it’s gonna be real hard getting out of here.”

“Oh, I think the Doc can handle that one. Listen close; you’re gonna like this . . .”


3. The December Revolution

6:05AM, nine days later. The slaves wake to find that the door has been sealed and the shutters closed. “At last,” thinks Peri, and goes to the window, where a Santa climbing into the driving seat of a sleigh is visible through a tiny crack. “I wonder if they leave anyone on guard?”

Peri turns to Alfrith, standing patiently beside her. “Okay, let’s get everyone ready; then we wait for the Doctor.”

* * *

With a satisfied smile, Condell stands outside the Doctor’s bedroom. “Wake up, Doctor,” he shouts.

“Hm? Oh, it’s you. Have you brought me breakfast in bed and my morning paper?”

“No breakfast at all for you today, Doctor. You are to wait here until I let you out.”

“Ah, time for Santas’ monthly jaunt, is it? No matter, I’ll just head through into the lab and knock out a few new designs to keep my mind off the hunger pangs.”

“I don’t think so. I don’t trust you, Doctor; when I said stay here, I meant in that one room. No food, no paper, no tools or devices you might use to your advantage. You will not make a fool of me.”

Condell hears a voice from behind. “Oh yeah? You know what, buddy; I think he already has.”

The elf spins around, just in time for his chin to meet a boxing glove on a flexible arm that has just extruded itself from a wooden pillar. He falls to the ground, out cold. Frobisher reforms, takes Condell’s keys, and releases the Doctor.

“Frobisher, you know I don’t approve of violence . . .”

“Sure, Doc, but when you’re a down-at-heels gumshoe you don’t always have the luxury of playing nice.”

“Indeed. And as I was about to say: I don’t approve, but sometimes the sound of it is most satisfying.”

“Oh. Well, in that case, glad to be of service.”

“Right. We’d better scout for guards, then on with our appointed tasks. Ready?”

“As ever, Doc.”

* * *

6:33AM. In Peri’s dormitory, a shadow obscures the thin sliver of light between the shutter and the window’s edge. There is a moment’s silence, then an enormous cracking sound as the roof is ripped away. Blinking in the sudden daylight, Peri stares up at the Doctor, sitting in what appears to be a giant wooden robot. A very odd giant wooden robot.

“Hello, Peri! Miss me?”

“Doctor! You did it! Is . . . Is that thing made of toys?”

“Indeed it is! Well, to be fair it’s mostly wooden beams from the supply yard, but it’s held together and articulated by toys. Ones I designed myself, actually. You see, the Santas’ viewing of Earth television programming ended just a little too soon for a couple of the ’80s’ finest legacies. This, Peri, is my very own transformer!”

She grins. “Cool! I guess big boys deserve big toys. So what happens now?”

“Hm? Oh, I’ll pull a wall down so you can climb out more easily, then you can grab something from the production line to break those manacles. Meanwhile I’ll reconfigure this into some appropriate vehicular form, and then we can all be on our way.”

“Great! I’ve only got one more question: what was that other legacy you mentioned?”

“A splendid TV series where the heroes are always left surrounded by supplies they can use to build something impressively large with which to escape: The A-Team. The perfect match. You see,” and here he pauses, grinning, and mimes lifting a cigar to his mouth, “I love it when a transformer comes together!”

* * *

Frobisher’s Journal, Day Twelve of the Case of the Polar Perfidy.

This was no time for sentimentality. Another Fat Man had crossed the penguin, and there had always been only one way that could possibly end: with one of us a patch of red in the snow. I just made sure it wasn’t me. Now I had to be making tracks fast, and his sleigh was my ticket to ride - I slipped into the driving seat and made myself comfortable. Then I came to the realisation that I knew squat about this mode of transportation. I lifted the reins, shaking them experimentally; Prancer took off like a bullet from a .44. I only hoped I’d be able to make him stop again.

Several Santas are gathered around a massive pile of toy sacks. There is a rumble like thunder, and a spaceship descends from clear arctic skies. It hovers a few yards above the snow, and a ramp lowers with a whine. A furry-faced figure appears, driving a grav-sled. “Get moving, you lot,” he says, “there’s been a rush on at the depot. We’ve got to increase production, too.”

A groan goes up from the Santas; but they start loading the sacks anyway. “Why can’t we get the elves to do this?” complains one.

“For the last time, Grork,” says another, rolling his eyes, “we can’t risk it. If we keep them chained spy-eyes from some politically correct trendy lefty paper might see, if we don’t there’s a chance one might get aboard the ship; and then where would we be? It’s the same reason we have to store the toys so far away: we can’t risk an escapee hiding in a sack. You know that. Zolik must have explained it at least three times.”

“Yeah, yeah, I suppose you’re right. Where is Zolik anyway? I thought I saw him just a couple of minutes ago.”

The Santas look, but there is no sign of their missing colleague.

* * *

A giant wooden quadruped dashes through the snow, pulling four sleighs packed with terrified elves. Peri rides on its back, arms around the Doctor’s waist; the wind generated by their movement means she has to shout to make herself heard.

“Wheeee! This is much better, Doctor!”

“Not still hankering after sun, surf, sand, and sangria, then?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say no; but this ain’t so bad now.”

“It’s the thrill of adventure, Peri! That rush as you ride into danger!”

“Nope, I’m just happy to be moving again after all that time being chained to someone with a three-foot stride.” She spots a figure in the snow. A lone Santa, struggling to make his way on foot, pauses to shake his fist at them; then falls on his face. “Hah!” shouts Peri. “See how you like it, you fat jerk!”

“Peri!” says the Doctor, with mock severity. “That’s not the kind of speech I would expect from a well-brought-up young lady!”

“Yeah? Well, this young lady would happily kick those Santas in their Christmas baubles after what they’ve done to Alfrith and her friends!”

“Then I hope for their sake Frobisher has things under control at his end . . .”

* * *

In the main hold of the ship, the Santas finish offloading the first batch of sacks from the grav-sled and leave to collect the next load. One of the sacks wobbles for a moment, then morphs into a familiar form.

“Jeez, those guys should take some lessons in cargo handling - I feel more mauled than manhandled! It’d be a Christmas miracle if any of these toys reach the kids unbroken.” Frobisher shakes himself off, and looks around. “Now, what’s gonna be the best way to put a spike in their plans? First step’s gotta be making sure this crate can’t leave.”

He sidles carefully through the interior hatch and makes his way along the ship’s corridors. “This bucket is deserted,” he mutters. “Not that a hard-bitten sleuth like me would be bothered by an army of low-life like these Santas. I’d give ’em a right flipper to the jaw, biff! And a head-butt to the stomach, pow!”

As if on cue, a pair of hands behind the Whifferdill raises a large wrench high, and brings it down on his head, thunk!

“Ow!” says Frobisher, rubbing the deep dent in his skull. “That’s really gonna smart in the morning!”

Then he passes out.

* * *

“I can see their spaceship, Peri! We’re nearly there!”

“Good - ’cause it’s getting kinda uncomfortable back here.”

The Doctor frowns. “You know, you’re right. The ride shouldn’t be this rough.” He looks down at the mechanical creature beneath him; its parts seem to be vibrating, and the effect is growing by the second. “That’s not good,” he says.

“What?”

“The transformer’s being affected by some kind of energy field! I don’t think I can control it!”

“C-can’t you t-turn it off?”

“It’s n-not responding to the t-transmitter! I th-think we’re going to c-crash!”

The wooden animal continues running straight towards the ship at speed, but now the little toys that hold it together are starting to fall off. Santas scatter in all directions as it approaches, some rushing up the ramp, others diving behind toy sacks. One of the legs twists and falls away from the body; the crippled beast lurches, stumbles, and falls apart completely with a thunderous roar.

The Doctor, landing in a pile of sacks, rubs his head, and stares up into the muzzle of a raygun.

* * *

“What the heck was that?” In the control room of the ship, the pilot leaps from his chair and rushes to the hatch. Before he reaches it the engineer, Skade, opens it from the other side.

“Dunno, Voxt, but there’s a big talking bird back here,” says Skade.

“What are you on about?”

“It was just wandering along the corridor, talking to itself. So I whacked it with a wrench.”

“You did what? Here, let me see.” They head out and down the corridor, around the bend of the ship. When they reach the site of the conflict, there is nothing to be seen but a wrench lying on the floor.

“You idiot, Skade. You’ve been at the engine fluid again, haven’t you? And you can get in trouble for leaving company equipment lying around.”

“I haven’t! And I didn’t! I put my wrench right back in my belt - see, here it is.”

They look at each other. “Then where did that other one come from?”

“You know, guys,” quips the tool on the floor, “what I always say is: when it comes to wrenches, one good turn deserves another.”

* * *

“So, Doctor,” says the Santa in front of him, “it seems Condell underestimated you. He shall have to be punished for that.”

The Doctor sighs, impatiently. “It’s always somebody else’s fault with people like you, isn’t it? You can’t possibly be in error, oh no, because your unparallelled intellect and impeccable plans are entirely flawless. Why can’t you realise that sometimes you should shelve ‘my minions have let me down’ and consider ‘I made a boo-boo’? But I don’t know why I’m even bothering to speak, because the reality is that your microcephalic megalomania keeps you so short-sighted that you can’t see beyond the end of your own ruddy round nose!”

“Have you quite finished?”

“For now.”

“Oh no, Doctor, not for now. You are quite finished - forever. Prepare to die.” The Santa’s finger tightens on the trigger of his raygun - which is knocked aside by a flying wooden train.

“Take that!” shouts Peri. “And that!” Soon a multitude of toys are arcing through the air, raining down on the Santas, as the elves join in the assault. In the confusion the Doctor leaps up, grabs the nearest raygun, and fires it into the air, a bolt of lightning in a clear sky. All eyes turn towards him, as he aims the gun in the direction of the spaceship.

“Nobody move! Now, I would like to thank Peri and her friends for their timely intervention, but I do think that things have gone quite far enough. I see that a few of you Santas have managed to keep hold of your guns, and are currently pointing them in my direction. Well done. You might like to take note of where I am pointing my own, and consider what effect a short blast would have on the starboard gravity focusing lens. Now, it might be that you could kill me before I did enough damage to cripple your ship, though it seems unlikely; and it might be that you could then turn your guns fast enough to mow down every Tregladorian who is, in all probability, quite willing to die if they can take you with them, though fortune would have to be smiling very broadly for that to happen. It is not impossible. Alternatively, I can guarantee that if you surrender now, you will not be harmed and will instead be taken in safety to a place where you can receive a fair trial. So I believe the question you have to ask yourself is, ‘am I feeling lucky?’”

Peri rolls her eyes.

* * *

As the elves finish tying up the captured Santas, Peri walks across to her friends. “Well, I think that’s everything sorted. They’ve already sent a posse back to fetch Condell and the other quisling guards from the village, but the leaders all say they’ll stop any hotheads from shoving anyone out of an airlock before they get to stand trial. Apparently buying and keeping slaves is a serious crime in this part of the galaxy at the moment, and I doubt they’ll get a whole lot of sympathy from the jury having played the galactic citizens for fools with that ‘spirit of Christmas’ spiel.”

“That’s good to know,” says the Doctor. ”And the TARDIS?”

“Oh, Alfrith’s about to take another group to go fetch it. She says nobody’s gonna mind dropping us off somewhere we can recharge the batteries, since without us they wouldn’t be going home at all.”

“Excellent. Which reminds me - since they have no trustworthy pilots on hand, I’d better make sure I can set the navigational computer to take them all back to Tregladore. Coming?”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I think I’ll stick with Alfrith for now. It’s nice, you know, just to hang out now we’re not joined at the ankle.”

“Very well - take care, Peri. I’ll see you soon. Frobisher?”

“I’ll tag along with you, Doc.”

The Doctor nods, and they walk up the ramp. Frobisher folds his flippers behind his back. “So, I guess it’s time for my final report . . .”

* * *

“. . . and biff! Pow! Down he went, like a sack of potatos,” says Frobisher, as they walk onto the ship’s small bridge.

“Thank you, Frobisher, for that thorough - and colourful - account.”

“I’m not quite done yet, Doc.”

“Well, maybe later. I need to concentrate on the job at hand. Navcom, navcom . . . I don’t believe it!” The Doctor sounds delighted.

“What is it, Doc?”

“Look at these controls: the ship’s powered by a quantum flux drive! That explains what happened to my transformer - and it’s just what we need to get the TARDIS working again!”

“So, all we gotta do is attach some jump leads and we’re good to go?”

The Doctor chuckles. “Oh, better than that. The old girl is finely attuned to fluctuations in the quantum substrate; she’ll have been absorbing power from the drive’s rest state vibrations ever since it arrived on this world. Give it another, oh, twenty minutes, and she’ll be fully charged.”

“So we don’t need a ride from the little guys after all. I wonder what Peri’s gonna think about that?”

* * *

All preparations complete, Peri and Alfrith share one final hug and the elf enters the Santa spaceship. The ramp closes and it takes off almost immediately, the Doctor’s preprogrammed course carrying the former slaves back home to their loved ones. Peri looks around, eyes glistening slightly. “So. What’s gonna happen to all the toys we made? It seems a shame to just leave them here to rot.”

The Doctor looks embarrassed. “Well, I did have an idea about that. The Tregladorians didn’t want them - too many bad memories - and, well, I’m sure there are plenty of children on Earth who would appreciate them.”

Peri grins. “You don’t mean-? Well, I suppose if anything is gonna go all around the world in one night, it’s gotta be the TARDIS!”

“Yeah,” puts in Frobisher. “And I think you’ll make a swell Santa, Doc. You already look the part.”

The Doctor frowns. “And what exactly do you mean by that?”

Peri laughs. “Well, you gotta admit neither of you are subtle dressers.”

“Yeah, Doc, and you ain’t exactly featherweight contenders, either.”

“‘Gotta?’ ‘Ain’t?’ You know, it’s difficult enough coping with the corrupt colonial colloquialisms of one companion, let alone two!” Wisely, the others say nothing. “Anyway, Frobisher, I was rather hoping that your shape-shifting abilities could be put to good use in this venture. It would certainly be easier that way.”

“Sure! I mean, you ain’t gonna be squeezing down too many chimneys . . . uh, sorry, that kinda slipped out.”

“Hmph. Alternatively, you could always take a break here - we could pick you up in, oh, a year or two?”

“Sorry. No more baiting the designated driver.”

“Indeed. And anyway, given recent events, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve got . . . form. Now, come along - we need to move everything into the TARDIS.”

* * *

Later, the travellers are gathered in the (now rather crowded) console room, sacks and boxes piled up all around them. Peri raises a last glass of brandy.

“Merry Christmas, Doctor!”

“Well, technically, the chances of it actually being Christmas Day are a little less than one in 365 . . .”

Peri wags her finger at him. “Ah-ah-aah . . .”

“Oh, very well,” says the Doctor, smiling. “Merry Christmas, Peri - and you, too, Frobisher.”

Frobisher turns his beak towards the reader. “And a merry Christmas to all of you at home,” he says; then he winks. Blackness creeps into the final panel from the corners, leaving a circle around the Whifferdill’s face. For just a second his features morph into those of a rabbit, then a duck, then back to penguin again, faster than copyright can fly. “That’s all, folks,” he adds.

FIN

Next Time:

One way or another, the Offspring Invasion really begins!

A Flight Through Eternity: Season 2 in Review

It's taken me a long time to get through season 2. I've reviewed many inserted books, comics, audios and short stories; they are included in the lists but not in the analysis, which concentrates on TV and film only.

Episode Rankings
10/10:
066 (P3): The Wheel of Fortune
MA28c: The Plot Thickens
080 (S3): A Battle of Wits

9.5/10:
DWM12a: The Marsh-Wains
079 (S1): The Meddling Monk

9/10:
078 (S1): The Watcher

8.5/10:
052 (L1): The Powerful Enemy
058 (N1): The Web Planet
062 (N5): Invasion
068 (Q1): The Space Museum
MA28a: Plot Devices
CC7.01b: The Birth of Ian Chesterton

8/10:
063 (N6): The Centre
CC6.02a: The Rocket Men
MA28b: Holes in the Plot
MA28d: Explaining the Plot

7.5/10:
DWMSpS 1996: Daleks versus the Martians
046 (K1): World's End
056 (M3): Conspiracy
057 (M4): Inferno
059 (N2): The Zarbi
STA2.01: 1963
081 (S4): Checkmate

7/10:
051 (K6): Flashpoint
ST4.01: Aries: The True and Indisputable Facts in the Matter of the Ram's Skull
CC6.02b: The Fall
077 (R6): The Planet of Decision

6.5/10:
045 (J3): Crisis
048 (K3): Day of Reckoning
DEC1.05: The Book of Shadows
070 (Q3): The Search

6/10:
044 (J2): Dangerous Journey
DWM12b: The Wissfornjarl
054 (M1): The Slave Traders
064 (P1): The Lion
DWYB 1994: A Religious Experience

5.5/10:
043 (J1): Planet of Giants
053 (L2): Desperate Measures
076 (R5): The Death of Doctor Who

5/10:
055 (M2): All Roads Lead to Rome
069 (Q2): The Dimensions of Time
ST14.12: Every Day
072 (R1): The Executioners
CC7.01a: The Cave of Five Hundred Skulls

4.5/10:
IDWPoT1: Prisoners of Time: Unnatural Selection
065 (P2): The Knight of Jaffa

4/10:
ST18.05: Set in Stone
ST2.12: Romans Cutaway
061 (N4): Crater of Needles
ST14.18: Animus, Zarbi, Menoptera
071 (Q4): The Final Phase
074 (R3): Flight Through Eternity
ST5.09: Distance

3.5/10:
050 (K5): The Waking Ally
060 (N3): Escape to Danger
073 (R2): The Death of Time

3/10:
067 (P4): The Warlords

2.5/10:
049 (K4): The End of Tomorrow

2/10:
DEC2.06: The Nine-Day Queen

1/10:
075 (R4): Journey into Terror


For TV episodes, the median score is 6.0, with a mean of 6.1, only 0.1 down on last time. There's no real visible pattern to how the good and bad episodes are arranged through the season. If we look at the different types of story, we find

Backwards (Historical): 7.1 - previously 6.3.
Sideways: 5.9 - previously 8.5.
Forwards (SF): 5.7 - no change.

In season 1 it was the sideways stories that took the crown, here these fall behind the historicals. The science fiction stories are still in third place, however. This time I also decided to look at the AIs, similarly:

Sideways: average AI 55.7.
Forwards (SF): average AI 55.7.
Backwards (Historical): average AI 51.3.

As you can clearly see, the viewers of the time didn't care what type of SF they watched, so long as it wasn't one of those boring historicals. Philistines!

We could also look at how episodes fare based on their position within a story:

Opening episodes: 7.2
2nd episodes: 5.8
3rd episodes: 6.8
4th episodes: 4.2
5th episodes: 5.8
6th episodes: 7.3
Penultimate episodes: 7.3
Closing episodes: 6.2

This tells a different tale from last time, with serials having a strong beginning and end but a dip in the middle. Given the large number of four-parters the difference between average scores for 4th episodes and final episodes is striking. This is largely down to The End of Tomorrow being the weakest episode of serial K and Crater of Needles being the second-lowest of serial N, two stories than ended strongly.

This time, with only one change of director partway through, looking at it counting the episodes from a particular director within a story makes very little difference. Speaking of directors, though, how do they stack up?

Douglas Camfield: 7.3 (s.d. 2.5).
Christopher Barry: 6.7 (s.d. 1.4) - previously 6.3.
Mervyn Pinfield: 5.9 (s.d. 1.5) - previously 4.6.
Richard Martin: 5.5 (s.d. 2.2) - previously 6.9.

There are only half as many directors taking part this season. Richard Martin takes a tumble from second place, largely because of weak middles in The Dalek Invasion of Earth and The Chase; everyone else who was around last time improves. Douglas Camfield's score would have been significantly higher were it not for the missing episodes of The Crusade; if these were found the story might be improved for me.

Again, we can also look at the AIs:

Mervyn Pinfield: average AI 55.7.
Richard Martin: average AI 55.2.
Christopher Barry: average AI 53.3.
Douglas Camfield: average AI 52.3.

Once again, my own opinions differ considerably from those of contemporary viewers, to the extent of almost reversing my own list of directors. Quite remarkable.

Story Rankings
10/10:
PDA75: The Time Travellers
S: The Time Meddler

9.5/10:
MA28: The Plotters

8/10:
DWM12: The Revenants
L: The Rescue

7.5/10:
PDA66: The Eleventh Tiger
CC6.02: The Rocket Men

7/10:
N: The Web Planet
CC7.01: The Time Museum

6.5/10:
M: The Romans

6/10:
J: Planet of Giants

5/10:
Q: The Space Museum

4.5/10:
K: The Dalek Invasion of Earth
MA03: Venusian Lullaby
P: The Crusade

4/10:
Daleks' Invasion Earth 2150AD
R: The Chase

2.5/10:
PDA44: Byzantium!

For TV stories, the median score is also 6.0, with a mean of 6.2.

Behind the Scenes: Handing Over Control
By the time season two finished broadcast, Verity Lambert's final five episodes were almost done and incoming producer John Wiles - who had been shadowing Lambert - was making most of the running. New script editor Donald Tosh had arrived earlier and was settled in, having already commissioned a number of stories. However, Dalekmania was in full swing, with the first movie proving very popular; and the BBC had decided that they had to capitalise on this. To Wiles' frustration, twelve episodes of season three were to be given over to a Dalek epic.

Next Time:
I'm not quite sure - if May or Isaac's reviews are ready I'll run them, otherwise something else.

Serial S: The Time Meddler

This was the third story I watched featuring William Hartnell's Doctor (counting the initial broadcast of The Three Doctors as my first), back in the days when repeats were few and far between - 1992, to be precise, over a decade since the previous opportunity. Now I've seen all his surviving episodes and heard soundtracks for the rest, and the main thing that stops me seeing them more often is my physical inability to watch much TV. I also have access to a massively larger library of information than I did then, and consequently there is a kind of double vision viewing this. I can still just about remember the excitement I felt watching it originally, unspoilt except for whatever the announcers said beforehand; but my main memories are from the six or seven times I've seen the DVD in the last decade, knowing what's coming, and for most of those viewings knowing the context. It still holds up on repeat viewing, but I am very glad I first saw it without foreknowledge of that cliffhanger.

This serial marks the beginning of the first ever run with no contemporary companions in the TARDIS (a run that corresponds exactly to this section of my marathon). I think that's a sign of confidence: there is less need for an "audience identification figure" now that the program has been running for over a year, and is still proving popular. It can't be the new broom effect, because even though this is the first serial edited by Donald Tosh, it was the previous team that set it up.

When this story was originally being planned, almost everything was up in the air. William Russell was leaving and needed a replacement, but it was unclear whether Jacqueline Hill was staying; Dennis Spooner hadn't renewed his contract but hadn't announced his departure either. The Chase was going to be an expensive production, which meant that the following serial had to save money as well as introduce the audience to a new companion. In the circumstances producer Verity Lambert thought an experienced writer was needed to introduce Ian's replacement and handle the uncertainty, so applied for special permission for the story editor to write it.

This was a good decision. In the event Spooner decided to leave to work on The Baron; and his writing here reminds me of the previous companion introduction, The Rescue (again written by a departing script editor, and another of my favourites). All the main characters are well served, and Steven is indeed given some depth.

It wasn't a happy production for everyone, however. Upset at all the change, William Hartnell threw tantrums in the presence of incoming producer John Wiles, souring their relationship from the start. It was fortunate that this didn't affect the end product - at least for this serial...

Special Features
Starting with the standard fare, there's Radio Times listings (which I never look at these days, though I might have done for this DVD when I first got it) and the Info text (which I can't be bothered to read); I've already mentioned the commentary in my episode reviews. It's quite chatty, full of anecdotes but paying very little attention to what is on screen for long stretches, so less informative than some, but enjoyable. The Coming Soon is for The Five Doctors 25th Anniversary Edition, quite a fun trailer. Most of the Photo Gallery is made up of shots of the cast on set - there are some good quality photos, but nothing really surprising. Then, towards the end, we get a few of the bare sets (which do interest me) and some casting shots of Peter Purves, looking rugged and handsome. Not much stands out but I still enjoyed this one more than many, which I think is largely because the music is so good.

There's no 'making of' documentary, and the only other story-specific extras are the audio for the missing twelve seconds cut by censors overseas (good to have as a completist, but not really adding anything) and a piece on the restoration work. Much of this can be found on other releases, but I don't begrudge that; it's always good to be reminded of how much care and attention went into producing these disks. Of particular interest for me, though, is the use of the original film for the stock footage of the Viking ship.

Placed on essentially the wrong release for reasons outside of anyone's control, we have a fairly rushed obituary and photo gallery for the late, great Verity Lambert. I say rushed because the former is basically a simple PowerPoint presentation - almost entirely text, too - and the latter feels like a slideshow of holiday shots. Both lack a soundtrack. It's touching, but I wish they'd waited for a more appropriate release to put it on and then done a more thorough job.

Finally, we have one that could be placed on any Hartnell-era release: Stripped for Action, looking at the comics of his era. This is sorta-kinda a regular feature, in that there is one for each Doctor; but because there's only one for each Doctor, this is the first I've covered in my marathon. I like them. I don't know much about the comics featured and finding out more intrigues me, so that's one reason for my enjoyment; but I also appreciate the style, with the fake 'online comic' feel to the titles, the enthusiastic comic historians and (in this case) one slightly bemused artist. Short and sweet.

In conclusion, then, don't buy this release for the extras, buy it for the story.

Rating:
Mine: 10/10.
DWM Mighty 200: 72.81%, 75th.
2012 Gallifrey Base Non-Dynamic Rankings: 8.14, 39th out of 234.

Next Time:
Wait a minute! What about Isaac's corner? Has he given up? Far from it. He wanted to write more about this serial, and May also had some thoughts, but they're not quite ready yet; so before my blog is invaded by my children, a round-up and overview of the second season.

Episode 81 (S4): Checkmate

And unexpectedly, I managed to write up my review of A Battle of Wits the following morning and watch this one later in the day! Now that's a turnaround. And hopefully a sign of things to come.

Unfortunately this episode is the weakest of the serial, though still reasonably strong overall; and the first part of this review is little more than a random collection of thoughts. So I'll keep it short, before moving onto what it represents for the series.

One of the things that makes this feel weaker is that there seems to be less attention to detail from all parties. The pacing is slightly off, with some well-performed discussions nevertheless moving too slowly; Eldred's injury seems to come and go; William Hartnell makes some more obvious slips; and the camerawork is not quite as sharp.

There's a lot to love too, though. The comedy continues to be well done - I love the scenes where the Monk persuades the (very stupid) Vikings to help him, and the one with the Saxons running into and then out from the monastery. Peter Butterworth's expressions continue to provide good value for money, particularly as he reads the letter from the Doctor; and the final resolution is both clever and funny. I thought the clifftop scene with the Doctor emphasising how happy he is with his new team was heartwarming, and the final credit sequence is very effective.

A final word on Edith. There is little indication that she is recovering from trauma this time, though the fact that she insists on accompanying the men in the attack is significant. She remembers her English middle-class manners, and invites the travellers back for tea and gives them a smile. I'm inclined to be charitable and read this as a sign she is on the road to recovery and will be OK.

Let's turn to the science fiction elements of the story. A few minor points first. Vicki and Steven's discussion of how history can change is interesting, and possibly the clearest so far; though keeping the Doctor out of the discussion is, perhaps, a cunning ploy to allow for the production team to change their mind at a later date. The business with the Doctor's TARDIS being an earlier model than the Monk's Mark IV can be reconciled with the later Type 40 designation if you squint, though it's hardly worth bothering with; and the whole sequence with the dimensional stabiliser, while slightly too drawn out, is a great way of making use of the show's mythology to affect the plot.

And now, on to the main feature:

The Beginning of the End for 'Pure' Historicals?
So, we reach the era of the 'pseudo-historical', with a story where a time traveller attempts to use their knowledge of the future to change and improve the past. The Doctor expresses his disapproval and anger, the nature of history is discussed, and there is violence (although none of the time travellers are harmed); the changes are averted. What am I describing? The Aztecs, of course.

People always point to The Time Meddler as the birth of the pseudo-historical, but in terms of science fiction interfering with history there is very little it does that is new. The anachronistic has been there ever since a caveman watched a man step out of a police box and light a pipe.

So what makes the difference? For there surely is one! I believe the explanation belongs in the extradiegetic realm, in the fact that this is a television drama and not a news report. The Doctor and his companions occupy a privileged position: in a sense, their SF influence doesn't count because they are the window through which we get to see the drama happening in the past. When we marvel at a TV presenter in an inaccessible place and ignore the fact that there must be a camera operator there too, so we fail to register the difference the mere presence of the TARDIS crew makes on the past. The Monk externalises that influence so that we can see it.

There were good, solid reasons for fiddling with the historical format. Just as the idea of 'one serial backward in time, one forward, one sideways' had been quietly dropped when it became apparent there wasn't enough mileage in sideways stories to do them more than occasionally, it had become obvious over the second season that historicals were just not as popular as SF stories. The first season's "drop them down in history and see what happens" methodology had already been replaced with "drop them into a historical genre such as Up Pompeii or Shakespeare", but it wasn't enough. More had to be done.

There are only five more 'pure' historicals in the 1960s, and then nothing until a single outlier in the '80s; the revived series has not done any to date. Ironically, these (and the ones that came before) are some of the best-loved stories of the era.

Which just goes to show that there is no accounting for taste.

Broadcast:
Date: Saturday, 24th July 1965
Viewers: 8.3 million
Chart Position: 24
Appreciation Index: 54

Rating:
7.5/10.

Next Time:
Serial S as a whole.

Episode 80 (S3): A Battle of Wits

Well, there was another enormous gap before I got to this episode; viewing so far has taken nearly six months. Still, I refuse to dwell on the fact, since it's the 17th of July 1965, which means it's time to say happy first birthday to me!

This is another episode that looks brilliant. Barry Newbery's sets are fantastic, giving an enormous sense of space, both in the forest and in the monastery. The use of projected sky and wind machine in the clifftop scene makes it feel incredibly real - May commented on this (and the first shot of the first episode, where the monk is at the top of the cliff against a similar projected sky), asking "how come they could do special effects like that in 1965 and yet with all our modern technology they still can't make a car look real in Supernatural?". Indeed.

The direction certainly helps; as they point out in the commentary, having a short tracking shot in the forest as the surviving vikings are running away supports the illusion of space. There's also some lovely framing, with cameras moving in for extreme closeups while characters move into and out of shot. The actors must have been very careful about hitting their marks for it to work!

Turning to the writing and acting, this episode is focused on the monk to a much greater extent than the first two. This is certainly not a problem, because he's a lovely character well played! His bumbling makes him a great adversary, a complete contrast to the Daleks. The way he mutters about miles and kilometres as he refines his schemes really made us chuckle, and we all loved the progress chart ("atomic cannon?!", we cried). Peter Butterworth also has great chemistry with William Hartnell, and the two of them obviously enjoyed their confrontation.

The vikings are a little less successful, though not enough for me to dock any marks. When Sven is threatening Ulf in the forest they are both a bit too nice about it - May thought they looked more like they wanted to kiss - and they still seem politer than I would expect in the monastery. They are also rather puny if they can be knocked unconscious with a bit of balsa - one of the less successful effects, though I love the symmetry of them both getting whacked in the same way by fake monks.

Of course, I also have to mention that cliffhanger too. The reveal that there is more than one TARDIS in the universe - and the implication that the Doctor is not, therefore, a lone inventor like the Doctor Who of the movies - is quite a mythological shift, and is still a very cool moment even when we know what's happening. But I'll have more to say about the consequences next time.

Sadly, this episode had the fewest viewers of any in season two, although it still did better than the opposition on ITV (and only just over a third as many watched the 1992 BBC2 repeat). Either it was a nice sunny summer evening or people back then had no taste.

Violence Against Women, part 3: The Aftermath
In a recent discussion on Gallifrey Base I agreed with someone who said that, basically, whether this topic was handled well depended largely on whether or not there were shown to be consequences. This, then, is the deciding episode, and the evidence is...ambiguous. The case for the prosecution would likely be that there is no dialogue discussing the matter at all. However, the way Alethea Charlton plays Edith has subtly changed. She does not smile, and there is something about her manner that is more closed, particularly in her scenes with the Doctor.

People don't always want to talk about traumatic experiences. I remember visiting my old school shortly after I'd left - which was also shortly after my dad died. One of the teachers said "I bet your dad was pleased with your results", and I said "yes, he was". He'd never seen them, but I didn't want to get into that, so I lied. Particularly in the English Middle Class (and despite being the wife of the chief, Edith comes across as being very Middle-Class), there is an attitude of showing the world that everything is alright, even when it isn't. Observers have to pick up and interpret some fairly subtle signals to work out what is really going on, and as distance from the trauma increases the feelings get pushed down further and the mask is perfected. Here some of her pain is visible (and the Doctor being oblivious to it does not reflect well on him); fairly soon she will approximate her old self better.

Because of this, and thanks to a nuanced performance from Charlton, I think this is a well-handled case; but I can understand other people coming to a different conclusion.

Broadcast:
Date: Saturday, 17th July 1965
Viewers: 7.7 million
Chart Position: 28
Appreciation Index: 53

Rating:
10/10.

Next Time:
Checkmate.